I have a girlfriend who just can't say no. You know the type: no matter how busy she is, she will always be the one baking the cookies for the party, babysitting the grandchildren on a moment's notice, working late to cover for someone who wants to leave early. My girlfriend is a people-pleaser. As a result, she is stressed, anxious and always tired. She is extremely committed to enhancing the well-being of others, often to her own detriment.

What makes a people pleaser tick? According to Jay Earley, author of Finding Your Purpose, the tendency toward peoplepleasing begins in childhood, when parents tell kids what to do and never encourage them to assert themselves. When the kids obey, they are rewarded with conditional love. Parental approval is conditioned on children "pleasing" their parents. This sends the message to children that the only way to feel valuable, is to comply with the demands of others. As children grow, they continue these behaviors because they fear that they will not be loved unless they strive to please. This belief, and the people-pleasing behaviors solidify, and children become obsessed with meeting the needs of others. Not surprisingly, girls are more likely than boys to be trained to be accommodating and to defer to others. Far more women than men are people-pleasers.

People-pleasing tendencies are difficult to change because they are selfreinforcing. The behaviors are rewarded by its recipients. Each time the people-pleaser is rewarded for deferring to the needs of others, the behaviors become more deeply imbedded and more difficult to change. And despite the pleasure of receiving high praise, there is a tremendous toll to habitual people-pleasing. Obviously, when a person expends all of her energy on meeting (and usually exceeding) the needs of others, she has neither the time, nor the energy to figure out what she wants for herself. She feels she is not in control of her own life. The stress, anxiety and fatigue that result from constantly aspiring to the impossible task of being everything to everyone will eventually cause her to lash out. Particularly if she has worked to please the same self-centered boss or partner for a long period of time, resentment builds, often resulting in passive-aggressive behavior, according to Earley.

Changing the people-pleasing mind-set is difficult, because self-worth is tied to external rewards in the form of praise, rather than the internal rewards of satisfaction, sense of achievement or accomplishment. Breaking the pattern requires thought and commitment to clarifying and respecting your own needs. It also requires a clear view of the fear that is the basis of peoplepleasing. This is hard work, and is often best begun with the assistance of a coach or counselor. It is especially useful to role-play common situations where you may have said yes too quickly in the past. With practice, it becomes easier. With a coach, you can develop strategies to slow yourself down enough to make a decision based at least partly on your own needs. You can also figure out what to do if you already said yes too quickly and now realize you haven't honored your own needs. Here are some suggestions for beginning the process.

Slow Down. Defer any answer to a request for assistance. If someone asks you for a commitment of time or resources, stall for time. Say that you need to check your calendar, and set a time when you will respond. Take that time to assess the request and how it fits with your schedule and your own goals and desires.

Deal With Fear. If you are tempted to answer yes to all requests, reflect on your reasons. Is your desire to say yes based on a true caring for the person, or are you afraid that by saying no you will lose the affection or approval of that person? If you recognize that fear is your reason, ask yourself how realistic that fear really is. Discard fears that no longer make any sense.

Look At Your Motivations. Are you saying yes because you want something in return? If you grant a favor or request from someone, do it because the act itself is rewarding to you, and expect nothing in return.

Role Play. Have a friend, coach or counselor help you. Have that person play the part of the partner, boss, parent, acquaintance or friend who expects you to accede to their requests. Play out these situations as realistically as possible, and as often as necessary. With practice you will become more comfortable saying no to unreasonable demands.

Keep The Best, Discard The Rest. Just because you are no longer acting as everyone's doormat, doesn't mean that you should change healthy traits and behaviors. It also doesn't mean that you should or will become narcissistic, caring only for yourself and your own needs. People pleasers are generally gracious and friendly. It's actually easier to maintain a pleasant demeanor when you know you are able to care for yourself in the face of life's never-ending demands.